Walking the line

I love reading about everyone’s new year’s resolutions. I love the idea of setting life goals, re-evaluating priorities…all that stuff. I’m a total nerd for “vision-casting.” I also like reading about others NOT doing the resolution thing because it stresses them out, makes them feel like underachievers…all THAT stuff. I get both. I feel both. I think I fall somewhere in the middle.

I didn’t do resolutions this year. (Besides trying to put on anti-aging cream on a regular basis.) I’m taking  a year off from expectations. I did copy some friends and pick a word though. I can handle one word. Like a lot of mommas, my word was what we all want to be: present.  Less face booking, more puzzles. Less cleaning, more pretend. However, even with this…I gotta walk the line. For me, it’s more of a gut check. It’s asking myself, “Do I really need to do this, when my kids are asking me to do this?” And reminding myself to stop day-dreaming about the next big thing, when I’ve got a million little great things right in front of me. But I can’t say that my goal of being present is to sit in the awareness that all of it can be lost in an instant. Of this fact, I’m already well aware. I’ve read a lot of really amazing and beautiful posts lately about being present and remembering that nothing is guaranteed. In the blink of eye, life can change. I, of all people, understand this. But living in that frame of mind all the time begins to wear on me. After a while, it makes me feel anxious… panicky. Since nothing on this earth is promised, I start to wonder about the day it will all go away. When will that be? What will that look like? Who or what, that I love, will I lose?

For me, the ability to practice intense gratitude also means wrestling with an intense fear of the What Ifs.

It’s a delicate, deliberate balancing act. Every so often, I need to step out of that grateful zone and joke, and I admit, sometimes gripe, about the ‘hard’ in life.  I need to be able to say that I haven’t slept a full night through in a consecutive two week span in about 2 years because Charlotte is a vampire and would rather be up all night and I would rather snuggle her than listen to her scream. Or roll my eyes and get annoyed when Shepherd loses it over going to bed every. single. night. Because it’s a brand new outrageous idea that he’s never had to live through before, except that he did, THE NIGHT BEFORE THIS NIGHT, and he somehow survived brushing his teeth, listening to a book, and getting tucked in by two parents who are obsessed with him.

Don’t think for a second I don’t understand that this ‘hard’ I’m writing about is the most wonderful stuff life is made of.  All I’m saying is, I am still trying to find that balance of savoring every moment, and not holding on to them for dear life. I have to speak some of the crazy hard times out-loud, so that I can loosen my grip. Otherwise, I might cry a lot, because I will be afraid of missing it, losing it, or messing it all up.

Little people in timeout. For about 5 whole minutes, they thought they were dying.
Little people in timeout. For about 5 whole minutes, they thought they were dying.

One thought on “Walking the line

  1. Well said as usual Allie! I’m proud of you for “speaking it out loud” because when you don’t, from my experience anyway, things “become bigger” than they really are in your head… As you said, you’re able to “loosen your grip” when you verbalize or write these thoughts out. And that is healthy and helps to keep things in perspective. Lesson learned earlier for you than me. Important lesson too.❤️

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