Am I missing something??

danceSo, things have been psycho at my house lately. The kids aren’t even in school currently,  but Erron and I still feel like we are ships passing in the night. It’s good stuff: swim, Sister’s wedding festivities, VBS meetings, but just, you know… crazy. Erron and I have gotten sideways more than a few times over unmet and unrealistic expectations of each other and ourselves. I hear the same type of argument played out in different ways from my other married-with-young-children friends. She’s annoyed with him for getting home later than she’d like, he’s working his butt off…. his commute home is at least 30 minutes and he’s frustrated with her for being annoyed. Then she takes the argument one step further because he obviously doesn’t understand how hard it to “commute” home from swim in rush hour traffic, at dinner time, with two equally exhausted and ferociously hungry little people. With no dinner plans. Because she was at swim. And by ‘she’ I mean ‘me.’ But whatever. I CANNOT be the only one.

The other day I had this gem of a conversation with Shepherd who was raiding the pantry at 4:45 pm.

Me: Shep, you cannot have pretzels for dinner. What can I make you? Eggs? PPJ? Yogurt and cheerios? What will you eat?? Not pretzels.

Shep: How about a sandwich with Nutella?

Me: Nope. You can’t have chocolate for dinner.

Shep: Breakfast drink? (Ensure)

Me: Um, NO. You can’t have chocolate milk for dinner either. Eggs?

Shep: I know! What about waffles?

Me: Shep! No! You just lick off the powdered sugar. Quesadillas? Stir fry??

Shep: (now whimpering) I just want a piece of bread and some nutella!! (Fake tears.)

This went on for an absurd amount of time until I caved and spread peanut butter AND nutella onto two pieces of bread. Cooking dinner is so stressful.

I know these are first world problems. I’m living out my dream job and I believe the old ladies when they tell me someday, not too long from now, Erron and I will look back on these days and crave them.  And I sincerely believe the struggle of one income, and the temporary loss of my identity is worth it. I feel the sweetness and brevity of this time in bits and spurts throughout each day. But some of the other minutes (hours)….I wonder, “Am I MISSING something??” This load of laundry is not going to change the world, and I’m feeding my kids breakfast for dinner. Again. Is this it?! Will my greatest achievements be an empty laundry basket and the day I can prepare a family meal that includes side dishes? Will my family even sit down at a set table and eat it?? A set dinner table—we got big dreams over here at the Weig house. Because I’m totally in control of my thought life, my mind jumps into fast forward and I start to panic. I’m suddenly 50 and I haven’t made any significant impact on the world around me. Also, my kids are going to college and still have no idea what’s on the dirty dozen list. They don’t eat clean. They don’t even eat vegetables. I have failed my life.

I complained to a friend last night about how I am certain my life is sneaking away from me. She talked me off the ledge by reminding me that she too, had been on it not long ago. Then she simplified it for me. “Allie, we are living it….we’re fine, we’re great!” We’re living it!” And she’s right. We are, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Right now, it feels like aimlessly herding little people around and praying they turn out OK. And truthfully, I’ve been restless for months. I can’t go back to the person I was before last summer, but I haven’t figured out what this new woman is supposed to be doing with her life after being handed such a second chance. I’m scared I’m not making the most of it, but can’t figure out how to do it any better. I’m tired of being restless; I’m ready for some direction. But maybe that’s how this gig works. You do the best you can, seek out the wisest voices you can find, ask the Man Upstairs for some direction, and then put one tentative foot in front of the other. I don’t really know. That’s how I’m doing it. I’ll let you know how it turns out when I’m 50…. If my kids are healthy eaters by then, they’ll be doing better than me and I’ll call myself an expert.

Shep and his legos

resting

hatching plans

5 thoughts on “Am I missing something??

  1. Allie, I feel the struggle! Everyday I have to ask Jesus to remind me, remind me of the purpose in the grind. He sweetly reminds me again and again I am making disciples in my home. And that is not for the faint of heart☺️. He is teaching me to let go of selfish ambition and how to be a servant( even when I don’t want to!) and one day your children will rise up and call you blessed, and He will say well done my faithful servant. That’s the aim, the goal- although a set dinner table is the cherry on top! You’re doing great- don’t grow weary in doing good!

  2. Allie,

    Good news … everyone who has children has been or will be where you are right now! My husband and I realized early on that arguing over things that we honestly couldn’t change (traffic, commute to work, laundry, etc.) got us nowhere and NEVERTHELESS made things better. We came to the understanding that my job (teaching and being a mother) looks different than his job (CFO and being a father). Just when I’m feeling exhausted and like I can’t go on another day, he is able to see it and step in. I do all carpooling (which only gets more difficult the older they get), feeding and general family welfare while he provides the major financial piece that allows us to do all of those things. I think your position is more difficult, because you are home all day while I still go to work for some adult interaction. Just know, you are going to make it … remember “God is good ALL the time!”

  3. Allie, love the blog! You ask valid questions and here’s how I’d respond….”you can’t get anywhere unless you take the first step. Even if it’s in the wrong direction, if at least you’re walking, you can double back and start again. Or perhaps even better yet, you can find or forge a new path. Regardless, you’re moving and the inertia you’ve felt will quietly slide away.”

    My mom always said, “the adventure is in the journey not in the destination.” Those words really resonated with me when H and A were young. The days do go by quickly, so don’t be too hard on yourself! And PB and Nutella is a grand dinner by any measure. Take care and keep writing! You have a gift for it!

  4. Beautifully written, Allie. I’ve been there, got out of it, and now I returned for more with Ilsa. Glutton for punishment? It may seem like you aren’t making a difference because it isn’t tangible. But every day as moms we teach without thinking. Our patience, our affection, our exhaustion, all teach these little ones. They teach that mommy is strong, smart, kind, and funny. Love to you. See you Saturday!

  5. Investing in their little hearts…there’s no sweeter gift to your, children, your family, your legacy! Keep pressing on my friend. The days are long but the years are so short!

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