October

 

alliechar If a picture could say a thousand words, this one would simply say, “October.” Best laid plans…rough outcome. I’m obsessed with fall like the rest of the country, and in my head I had this month figured out.  I was feeling back to my old self, I had outings planned, the month would be perfection, we deserved a fabulous fall after this summer. (Never a good way of thinking.)  And while we had some great times to be sure, the month threw in some curve balls that overall just left me whipped, feeling like I’d backtracked several giant steps in getting back to our “normal.”

It began when an ambulance showed up at a neighbor’s house early in the morning. I’d just hosted a neighborhood ladies night, so now I knew this sweet lady, and as I stood in my driveway watching the stretcher being lifted into the back of the truck my heart broke for the fear that accompanies watching someone you love drive away in flashing lights. My mind instantly went back to our experience. Screaming at the paramedics to please, please, just RUN!… into our house. Watching Shepherd being placed on a stretcher. Climbing in the front seat of the ambulance, someone buckling me in.  Being told I couldn’t go in to the back where they were working on Shepherd. Begging the young driver for information on what he thought our outcome would be. Cursing the cars that wouldn’t move out of the way fast enough. The memories just wouldn’t stop coming. Thankfully, neighbor is home and doing fine but seeing that ambulance parked down the street left me strung out for the better part of a week, or more.  The images I had become skilled at packing away in the back of my mind crept forward with a vengeance. It’s incredible to me how when you think you’ve got it all under control you can be utterly humbled in mere minutes….that stretch on for days.

Upping the ante, Shepherd and his mini partner in crime, Charlotte, decided to take their drama party to whole new level of horror in honor of Halloween. Picture Shep behind his door throwing things and screaming every obscene thing he can think of because Mom and Dad took away all his Legos that he refused to clean up. “I HATE this! You’re the worstest mommy and daddy EVER!” Literally just the tip of the iceberg of fun-loving phrases from Shepherd James. The rest of them are not even worth writing down. It was one of those nights where you seriously wonder how it will feel to vist your kid in jail in 15-20 years. I consoled myself with the knowledge that my own mom was imagining her jail visits with me at about this stage in the parenting game. Erron was less amused then me…and understandably so. The undercurrent of this behavior leaves us way more stressed then it used to. We are well aware Shep comes by this drama naturally, this was not our first showdown with him… we get his age, and what being 3-4 can look like. But we also know that the part of your brain used to regulate emotions is one of the first parts compromised in drowning. And we’ve seen some of that in Shep. It leaves us feeling frustrated, guilty, and wringing our hands when it comes to the correct path of discipline.

Overall, October drove me to do things I wouldn’t normally do, such as ripping open Halloween candy in the middle of the Wal-Mart isle to appease both whining kids and keep myself from screaming. Or, taking a walk down to the cul-de-sac to meet other moms and kids, pushing a giant double Bob loaded with kids and toys in one hand and a large plastic wine glass of chardonnay in the other. This was a new low for me, I’m more of a “special occasion” drinker, and I’m certainly not an advocate for drinking and operating large, heavy equipment such as a double jogger. But everyone has their limits…I had reached mine at 4:00 and we were pushing 6:30. I would have filled up our sports bottle with my adult beverage  if I’d had to wait much longer for “adult” time in the cul-de-sac while the littles ran free.   All that to say, I am ready for November and all of her thankfulness. I’m not the first one to catch on to the fact that the best way to break out of a funk is to focus on all the good you’ve been given. And we have that in spades. Besides, October wasn’t all bad. Halloween came with Char looking like the cutest Tinker Bell I’ve ever seen, and Shep dressed as Peter Pan …literally screaming “I LOVE trick-or-treating!!” as he spastically ran through the neighborhood. So thank you for that, October, see you next year.

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The marriage dance 10/4/14

allerrOne interesting thing this whole experience has confirmed for me is that Erron and I could not be more different in the ways we receive and process intense and prolonged stress. It is so drastically opposite from one another that it could be considered comical, if it didn’t make us want to throw things at each other from time to time. This is not surprising, I know much of this comes from the sheer fact that Erron is a man and I’m not. Things hit our hearts differently and what weighs on mine doesn’t necessarily stick to Erron’s and vice versa. Also, when it comes to big, life-changing events, Erron has always been a think, then act, type person while I tend to be of the jump in first, think later variety. Like a lot of guys, Erron is content to bury his emotions while I prefer to conjure up no less than five conflicting ones in a single conversation. I become annoyed that my husband does not feel the immediate need to chase his manic wife into hyper-drive and discuss every possible plan and backup plan that is critical for our family’s success. Erron doesn’t understand why I can’t ever just calm the heck down about our life and be in the present moment. So you can see, that although we were absolutley united in the midst of it….something as intense as what we went through with Shepherd was bound to eventually cause some ripples in our relationship. How could it not?

Throughout our 7 year marriage, Erron and I have always taken turns going through the valleys. I find this to be challenging but healthy, especially with kids in the picture. When we got home from Children’s Hospital in Tulsa, I could barely string two thoughts together. It felt like that newborn baby haze…once the adrenaline wears off and you’re left feeling overwhelmingly grateful for this little life you are gifted with but everything else is so, SO hard. I felt cloudy and exhausted. Erron was upbeat and practical. He was kind and tried to be positive as long as he could while I spent all of my extra energy lashing out at myself and him because of the overwhelming guilt.

Now that I feel better, I see my husband retreating into the fog. He still shows up. Still goes to work and works hard. Still engages with the kids at home and helps out. But I can see the heaviness on him. The weight of things he’s yet to process because he couldn’t. He was holding us up. It’s his turn.

Marriage is such a dance and right now Erron and I are trying to re-learn our parts. It’s hard. It can be frustrating and we have definitely been stepping on each others’ toes…but we keep taking the steps. I believe this will make us better if we choose to take this route and really address our differences and how we respond to one another. I think it already has. We both know that we will eventually find our footing and fall back in sync, moving better than we had before. And I’m thinking that someday, down the road, we could be that pair on the dance floor that make other people lean into their partner and whisper, “Dang…that couple can DANCE.”

Holy moments in the middle of hell 9/15/14

shep bookI think the fog is finally starting to lift. We’ve seen the last of the medical specialists for our initial evaluations, we have a rough understanding of the ways Shep’s drowning affected him and we are aware of what to keep an eye out for down the road. I can cook dinner a 3-5 nights a week. (That’s the best I can do even in the most desirable of circumstances.) And I can speak of Shep’s accident, I can tell the story, if I really need to, without holding my breath or wanting to scream. I am relieved to have arrived at this point, but I’m a little bit wary….as horrific as Shepherd’s accident was, there were so many holy moments I don’t want to fade as I move further away from the trauma.

Having Shepherd’s life spared was a miracle, our doctors will tell us that, but there were many other miracles I watched play out during the 16 days we were at Children’s. Particular verses, pictures or gifts sent at just the right time, and as wild as it sounds, dreams and visions by strangers, ABOUT Shep, that were relayed to me when I needed to hear them most. These things, which I would I have felt a bit strange about before, brought me incredible comfort.

At the risk of sounding crazy or preachy, I can only speak for myself, but while I was walking through hell, I felt engulfed in God’s mercy. It was a strange sensation. I’m just now trying to put the time table back together and it’s overwhelming because there is just so much that took place spiritually.

I remember the day they took Shep off the paralytic. It was one day earlier than planned and I was beside myself with fear. Erron and I were prepped to expect anything from unnatural, jerky movements to even worse, nothing. Mere hours after they took him off the drug, Shep moved, agitated, pulling at his ventilator tube with intentional fluid motions. Looking back I can see that when our nurse kept sneaking glances at us, she was checking to see if we were grasping at the enormity of what we were witnessing. We totally weren’t. We were so busy calming our boy, restraining his hands, it did not even register. But my dad got it. I remember him becoming so overcome with emotion that he walked out of the room and stood in the hall by himself. My brain was unwilling to connect the dots about what it meant to see Shep respond the way he did. My heart was too scared to hope. I didn’t feel worthy enough to get a second chance at being Shepherd’s mom.

Twenty minutes later, once I knew Shep was comfortable and adequately restrained, I suck away alone to process what had just happened. I took the new copy of Jesus Calling my friends had given me and opened it to the place where the book mark happened to be placed. March 14. It was June 24th. And I cried. It was the sweetest letter I’d ever read, and I knew, I KNEW, that it that moment, it was written for me.
“Do not hesitate to receive joy from me, for I bestow it on you abundantly. The more you rest in My Presence, the more freely My blessings flow into you. In the Light of My Love, you are gradually transformed from glory to glory. It is though spending time with Me that you realize how wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you.
Sometimes the relationship I offer you seems too good to be true. I pour My very Life into you, and all you have to do is receive Me. In a world characterized by working and taking, the admonition to rest and receive seems too easy. There is a close connection between receiving and believing: As you trust Me, more and more, you are able to receive Me and My blessings abundantly. Be still, and know that I am God.” -Sarah Young
(2nd Cor 3:18, Ephesians 3:17-19, Psalm 46:10)

I wonder if by continuing to walk forward in my own mental healing, I will walk further away from the intimacy I experienced with God. My daily prayer is that this not be so, I don’t want crisis to define my relationship with the Man Upstairs and I think deep down I know that it won’t. Because I felt how big He was yet I am acutely aware of how He cared for my needs so specifically, because I was desperate for it. My belief in God’s goodness and his promises was all I had to hold onto, regardless of outcome for Shepherd. I’m no fool and realize it may have mattered even more had it turned out a different way. I also know there will still be difficult days, that I may never fully extinguish the pain of being faced with the very real possibility of losing a child. But it definitely dims. So now that life is slowly beginning to take on a different pace I’m trying to keep my heart soft, and open…because I don’t want to miss what He’s trying to whisper in my ear.

Abbey 8/20/14

DISCLAIMER: in this RARE gem of a photo we both just had our hair and makeup professionally done. You will usually find us not showered, wearing our kid's food, and in yoga pants.
DISCLAIMER: in this RARE gem of a photo we both just had our hair and makeup professionally done. You will usually find us not showered, wearing our kid’s food, and in yoga pants.

I’d like you to meet Abbey. She was the other face behind this page, (Facebook’s Prayers for a Pirate) in fact she created it with the help of a few others. She wrote on here when I couldn’t. Abbey has been my best friend since middle school. We went to college together and lived in the same room(s) for nearly 4 years straight. Our parents live next door. Though she now lives in Stillwater, she was across the street at her parents’ house when the ambulance showed up. She ran over. She was the last face I looked at as we pulled out of our drive way.

Don’t be thrown off by her beauty, this girl is gold through and through. Abbey has 4 kids (yes, 4) and she shipped them back to her sweet mother-in-law’s for I don’t even remember how many days so she could take care of me, my daughter and my parents. She stayed in town, and made herself free and available to whatever we needed. She was the liaison between me and countless people offering to help. She was at the hospital all the time. She still calls every few days, to check on me.

I love this lady fiercely. I’d like you to meet her just so you can see the face of someone who has been so vital to me going through this. She knows and empathizes with every joyful and fearful thought I’ve had regarding this, and let’s be honest, any other big life event…ever. She went into the dark with me, and now she gently reminds me of the truth, encourages me, and is always down for a giggle when you just have to throw your hands up at it all.