allie weig
the journey of a pirate and his mom
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Month: June 2016

June 21-Two years out.

6 / 17 / 166 / 17 / 16

shep faceWell, in 4 days it will be the 2nd anniversary of Shep’s drowning. Entering into summer this 2nd time felt much different than last year, way more fun. Anticipation trumping anxiety.  Still as the date creeps up on us, Erron and I admitted to each other that we were wrestling some with fresh emotions from what happened that day. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about what happened, even if it’s just a passing thought, or a quick gut- check at the end of a tough parenting throw-down. But fortunately those terrifying memories rarely haunt like us in 3-D like they used to.

It helps that Shep is doing incredibly well! We are encouraged and amazed continuously as he continues to mature, learning new things and growing into this interesting, thoughtful and super creative boy who wears his heart on his sleeve. We have a few minor reservations about what issues, (if any) Shep will come across in the future, and we’ve discussed logistics of what that might even look like.  We are feeling overwhelmingly positive, but recently some of those difficult feelings have been brought to the surface for both of us.  A few days ago I had a nightmare that our lives had moved on without Shep, and watching the little guy struggle with a fear of swimming (since we added the clothing factor) has been somewhat of a trigger for me, especially since his little sister is officially a fish.

Erron and I touched base about the poor family at Disney the other night. Obviously, it could of been us. My God, it nearly WAS me, only played out in a different scenario and with a much different ending. After we exchanged a few sentences trying to put ourselves in those parents shoes, having your whole world ripped away from you when you least expected,  I quickly ended the conversation, telling Erron, “Babe, having kids is terrifying. Being a parent is just the scariest thing there is to do in a lifetime.” He agreed. Because it is.

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Please hear also: It’s the BEST thing. It cracks your heart open in ways you can’t fathom until you become a parent yourself. But giving your heart away like that puts you at great risk. For loss. For heartache. For worry. For realizing in an instant that you cannot always protect your babies from everything life puts in front of them. By the same hand parenting opens up avenues to experience wild joy, humility, pride, and faith in something bigger than yourself.

It’s heaven on Earth, worth all the risk and then some.

Last year we marked June 21 with a giant party. I’m not sure what we are going to do this year. The timing is tricky because it falls in the middle of the week. I’ll think of something. It doesn’t need to be big, I just want us all together, marking that day as a family, making happy memories. June 21st was the day we almost lost what was most dear, but found it returned to us. We will never stop being thankful.

Shep Easter 2016

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Decisions, decisions….

6 / 13 / 166 / 13 / 16

Funny decision picThink back to when you were faced with a really big decision. Maybe it was choosing where to go to college, whether or not you took that job, bought that house, or tried for that 3rd baby.  A decision you intentionally made that had potential to  significantly impact you or someone you loved. How did you make it? How much time did you spend on deciding? While I’m throwing out rhetorical questions, I’d like to add: Why are these decision so  hard to make?

My obvious guess is because we can’t see the future, we can only imagine outcomes. The true reality of a decision is hidden from us at the time we make a choice. So we are constantly hedging our bets. For the most part I’m SO glad I couldn’t see what my future held for me, I appreciate that God designed life to work that way, but it does makes decision time challenging, especially when there’s not an obvious “Most Right” decision.

Erron and I are in the process of making one such decision and  it has been DIFFICULT. We desperately want to do the most right thing by all parties involved. We want the effect of it to be positive. We want to be sensible, above reproach, and true to our hearts…except we’re still not exactly sure what our hearts are telling us. It’s a sensitive decision, with lots of complicated emotions attached to it.

The cherry on top is that as a couple, Erron and I could NOT be more opposite in how we approach big life decisions. I’m dangerously impulsive, swinging dramatically back and forth depending on the day. When it comes to hard decisions, I’d rather rip it off like a band-aid. The more I think about it it, the further away I get from a decision, and the less I can be trusted to be secure in it.  On the other end of the spectrum is Erron. Infuriatingly methodical, he logically calculates in each and every possible factor. He will not be rushed and once he makes a choice, it’s made. The End. So, you know, that’s super fun for both of us…Oh, Marriage: You think you’re so funny.

Anyway. Together we’ve sought out council from people we trust and respect, we’ve consulted scripture, and we’ve been praying. Then just when think we have it nailed down, we learn new information, and find ourselves back to the drawing board, most our options changed, new ones we didn’t even know existed popping up.

Eventually however, we will be forced to choose, and then we’ll have to step out in faith and trust that even though we picked a path, The Man Upstairs directs our steps. One thing I have to remember when dealing with all parties involved, is that God knows our hearts, he knows what matters to us, and I pray he appreciates the struggle. Some decisions you make never knowing if you made the right one, that’s why they call it hindsight.  Lots of times you never learn if a decision led to the “right” outcome, you made a choice, and now life just IS what it IS.

A good friend put it this way: At the end of the day, we are not as powerful as we think we are. It was such a perfect thing to hear. Together, Erron and I will chose the path we think we need to go down, and then it’s out of our hands. We don’t have control over much after that, our decision could lead to lots of different outcomes, and our lives are not quite as up to us as we want to tell ourselves.  I will make a thousand more decisions that affect my family, and I have to keep believing God is the underwriter. He drives the plot line so the only decision I need to really focus on is, “Am I actively pursing a relationship with Him?” Waaaay easier said than done, I’m preaching to myself.  But I’d like to point out that some pretty big players in the Bible made some really dumb decisions. God stuck around for them, so even if I get this one wrong, I’m counting on Him doing the same for me.

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About Me

Welcome! I'm Allie. Lover of family and friendship, good books, a good laugh, and telling it like it is. This little space is where I write about healing my heart after almost losing my son to drowning, and also other things I hold dear: mothering, marriage, faith and friendship. Love that you stopped by.

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