The Weig babies are back in swim lessons. Char is crushing it, (no surprise there) but Shep still has some fears he has to conquer at the beginning of every lesson. It’s hard to say what his fears are based on. Shep was scared of swimming even before his accident. The summer before he fell in I did Mommy and Me lessons with him in a backyard pool and they were a total disaster. If Shep is afraid of something, it’s a whole THING, until he alone decides he’s not afraid anymore.  So, I’m not taken totally off guard by his apprehension over lessons, even though this is round two. But I do wonder if a memory has resurfaced. I always will.

While Sister napped, a tearful Shep and I discussed his upcoming lesson and I tried to get a read on him. He’s afraid of sinking, he says. “Shep…did you remember something about falling in the pool?” It’s not the first time I’ve asked him, but this time the conversation feels a little different so I decide the question is warranted. I gently push a little more than usual, trying to see if there is anything else my normally forthcoming little man feels like offering up. There’s not. It’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, so we drop it and look up funny videos of him and Char instead.

It dawns on me though: This won’t be the last time I’ll be blocked from crawling inside my child’s head to sort out what’s going on in there and make it less frightening. He didn’t want to let me in today, and that’s going to happen again…and again. I don’t love this annoying truth about motherhood. But’s a reality I am unable to change.  I tell Shep if he ever wants to talk about it or ask us any questions, we are here and have some answers. I throw up a silent prayer that Shep will come to me if there’s something he needs to work through and I feel surprisingly better about the whole thing. I can model honesty, but I can’t force my kids to tell me things.  Instead, I can consistently pray they will use me as a sounding board, and that I’ll be ready for it when they decide it’s time to start talking.  For now, we’ll be sitting in bed watching slow-motion home videos. Not a bad way to pass the time.