“You haven’t written anything spiritual in a while, “ Erron asked me recently. “Everything OK?” I tried not to get defensive. “Yeah, well…I just haven’t had anything to say….” I stammered back. “….and I can’t write it if I don’t mean it.” Erron nodded in understanding, “Just checking.”
It’s a mysterious thing, this journey of faith. The lows in life can lead you to your greatest spiritual highs, and that’s definitely where I found myself last year. But nothing lasts forever, it’s the nature of being human. Not to say my relationship with the Man Upstairs isn’t still a central part of my life, but it seems less obvious now than it did in crisis mode and I’m trying to get used to this new arrangement. I’ve got friends who seem to hear from God often and clearly. That’s not typically been my experience although I felt His presence tangibly last summer. It was faith in Jesus and a God of Good that brought undeniable comfort, carrying me through June and well into the following year. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the closeness…I know nothing has changed, but now that I’m standing steady on my own two feet things feel different.
Life is starting to pick up speed at the Weig house. We’re in the warm-up lap before the starting gun fires and everyone takes off sprinting. September’s coming and with it all our new commitments. Erron and I start a 10-week class at church. We’ve been out of play for a while, but now we are serious about finding community and know it’s going to take some doing on our part to make it happen. The kids start a new school that requires Shepherd to be there by 8:30 every morning. This in itself will require an act of God. And the biggie…. after months of deliberation, I finally pulled the trigger and am on the road to returning back to work part-time. I’m in the middle of my real estate class, in fact, writing this post is a conflict of interest; I should be studying. Somehow, I’ve got to pass this test, and then find a place to hang my hat. Even admitting this new plan on the blog is nerve-wracking…I worry people will think I’m nuts to even chase this dream down. Anyway, in September, Char resumes dance, Shep starts soccer, Erron wants me to join the PTO at the kids’ school…the list goes on. Let’s just say, I’m starting to sweat.
I am the first-born into a family of ‘Get it done’ people. Total grinders. My parents are warriors. No challenge is too big, they just put their head down and power through, rarely asking for help. It’s an admirable quality, if not a little intimidating. This week was hard on me, I had plans to get through this entire real estate book before my weekend class met again, then Shep ended up in the hospital and I just couldn’t make it happen. I was whipped, and I started to doubt my abilities, my decisions, and instead thought of all the ways this new job path could blow up in my face. ”Just how am I going to pull this all off?” was my dominant thought. This morning I woke up needing some encouragement. I’ve admitted before that I’m not great at reading the bible on a regular basis, but in the last year the words on the page have touched my heart in a way they never have before, and I needed some of that truth today. I opened to 1 Corinthians, and got stuck on the same verse I was hung up on the last time I cracked this book open. Only this time, it sunk in.
“Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards, not many of you were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things-and the things that are not-to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. “ 1 Corinthians 26-31
I hadn’t been willing to admit my weakness, and didn’t think allowing myself to feel insecure was going to help me get to where I needed to be. After all, I got goals to reach, so I kept reminding myself that I was capable, and if I worked hard enough, I could make it all happen.
Paul continues his message with this:
“…When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God….I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling.”
It was such a relief to read. Paul’s humble words reminded me it’s OK to be weak, and to feel unsure. In fact it’s a gift. It allows us to get out of our own way and let God do his thing. After all, it was God who designed me with a love of people and an obsession with homes, so I kind of owe Him the credit in the first place. If God chooses to use me in this line of work, I’m ready and willing, but my success will ultimately be His, not mine. It takes some of the pressure off knowing it’s not really all up to me. And killing it at work is not even the point. I’ll do my best, I’ll learn from my mistakes, and I’ll thank God for the opportunity to try something new. That’s about all I can do. After all, I’m only human…but the Man Upstairs can work with that.