Shepherd is in this fantasy phase where only good guys and bad guys exist. This really limits us on what books we prefer to read and what shows or movies we watch because if there is no identifiable bad guy, Shep’s not interested. It’s an interesting perspective to have on life, this constant black and white battle between good and evil.
Summer’s creeping up and to me, it’s a little like an enemy approaching. I have some intense feelings about that day in June that separated my “before life” from the “after.” As I reflect on all that’s happened in these 9 months, all that’s changed for me and Erron, I keep coming back to the question, “Would I do it all over again?” I….don’t know. Maybe? The answer, a lot of times, depends on the day. I can not make this one black and white. I would have never, never chosen this path, not for me, Erron or Shepherd. It hurt so intensely on so many levels…and as June gets closer I am reminded of just how much fear, pain and guilt is still associated with what happened. It’s much better than it used to be, but those feelings, those images… will just never fully go away. That’s the Bad. But on the other side of the same coin there is immeasurable beauty that came from such a horrible event. I have a new tangible understanding of God’s love, peace, and grace. My marriage is different, I understand myself and my husband better than I ever have before, my friendships are deeper and more honest, even this little space on the internet is part of the “Good” that was born out of something bad. And I’m left wondering about all the grey in between….
So, another thing Shep is into right now is questions. Doesn’t matter if he already knows the answer, he’ll still ask them. The harder the better. Today after Sunday school he was working me over……”Did Jesus really die? Why?? Is he still dead?”
“Yes, baby he did die…he died for us, because he loved us, so we could be with him. No! He’s not still dead! He beat death!”
“How!?” he asks me. “How did Jesus beat death?”
I had to sit on this one for a second. Finally I said, “With love baby, he beat it with love.”
And that’s it in a nutshell, I think. The bad can still hurt, it still leaves scars, and if we could change it, most of us probably would try. But as Glennen says over and over again in her Momastery blog, LOVE WINS. And I believe her. Love is the Good Guy.